TITANIC: The story of Jack, Rose, Cal andMaury?
by ChetvornoHoro
Summary: What really happened on the Titanic? Well, Rose Calvert will tell you. What was Jack's real name and motive? How did Maury Polvich get into this mess? What is Cal Hockley's secret? Read and find out folks! Just pure random humor. Read, laugh, and enjoy!
1. No Autographs Please!

TITANIC: The story of Jack, Rose, Cal and Maury Polvich

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters of Titanic. Nor the Spice Girls. Let alone Maury Polvich show or Riverdance. So don't ask.

CHAPTER 1. No Autographs Please.

First, a message from Old Rose Calvert:

_Okay, you people are always asking me about some boat named Titanic. Well, let me ask you something: what the hell makes you think I'll remember everything that happened 84 years ago? I'm 101 years old, I can't even remember what happened 5 minutes ago! But since you made me, I'll tell you about the boat Carnival–I mean Titanic. Well Titanic was a big boat 1912. I went on it you see..._

_Flashback_

_April 10, 1912..._

It was a lovely day, and the people were just crazy with happiness and excitement. Everyone was standing around the ship, admiring how big it was. Well, out of all the people there, one guy, Jack Dawson and his friend, Lenny was looking up at the ship. Suddenly a car came behind them and hit Lenny and Jack ran away.

The driver, Lovejoy came out of the car, followed by Rose's mother, Ruth. Ruth said, "My such a large–oh dear, someone's under the car!"

"I told him to get out the way," said Lovejoy.

"But Lovejoy, you told him in German!"

"I did, didn't I?"

Now Rose, a beauty then, jumped out of the car angrily. "You call this big! I know I've seen bigger!"

"No you haven't Rose," said Caledon Hockley, Rose's handsome but evil fiancé.

"Who cares!" said Rose. "And anyway, I had a dream last night, and it was about the boat sinking!"

"This boat will not sink. Why it's unsinkable!"

" Yes you will say it's unsinkable 10,000 times and then this ship will hit an iceberg and go to a watery grave!"

"Rose! You told the ending! Freakin' idiot!"

"Oops! Oh well, I'm sure everyone's heard it before anway!

_Inside the Titanic_

Rose storms into the room while reading the book A Series of Unfortunate Events (_where did she that book from?)_ Because she is not looking, she walks straight into the wall, banging her head.

Rose throws the book out the window while screaming, "This is all your fault!"

Cal comes into the room: "Rose stop screaming! Speak softly, will you!"

"Hell no!"

Cal rolled his eyes and mumbled something under his breath.

" Did you just call me a Nazi?" asked Rose.

"A what? What's a Nazi?"

"Oh I forgot," said Rose. Nazis won't be around until 20 years from now"

"Rose, stop this, understand!" Cal was becoming impatient.

"Now children quiet down," said Ruth walking into the room.

"Just teaching Rose a lesson," said Cal. "Stop the crap understand Rose!"

Rose sighed. "Yes ma'am."

"Good."

Ruth was rather confused and disturbed by Rose calling him "ma'am".

Just then, Lovejoy walked in. "There's some crazy boy out there screaming, "I'm King of the World!"

"That's strange,"said Cal, " Because everyone know _I'm_ king of the world! Hey everyone I'm sooo rich and important! Worship me! I'm sooo much better than the likes of you!"

And at that, Cal put on his sun shades and his T-Shirt that says "No Autographs Please!"

And Rose could only roll her eyes.


	2. A Happy What!

Chapter 2: A Happy What!

_A couple of days later..._

Well, that night, Rose is so fed up with her fiancé and family, she decides to end it all and just jump off the ship. So she's standing on the railing about to jump, when suddenly Jack Dawson comes over, riding a unicycle. He jumps off the unicycle.

"Wow, you're pretty," said Jack truthfully. "Say, did it hurt?"

"I didn't jump yet!" exclaimed an impatient Rose. "What are you talking about?"

"Actually I was making a pick up line, but forget it. Anyways, don't jump. Because if you do, that would mean I have to help you and forgot my swimsuit, and I dropped out of Lifeguard school..."

"You don't have to help. Please leave me alone. I'd like to commit suicide in peace!"

"Please don't! You don't want to do this!"

"Yes I do!"

"No you don't!"

"I'm about to jump!" Rose held her breath preparing for the moment.

"Please–" Jack knew what to do. "If you don't stop, you're going to make me do something terrible!"

"Do it all you like, you won't stop me!"

"Okay then." Jack hated when he had to do this. He began to do the MC Hammer.

"What the...?" Rose was lost at words.

Now, Jack was doing the MC Hammer, and singing, "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they're like, it's better than yours..."

"No, stop it!" Rose stopped her ears with her hands. "Please."

But Jack only got louder! "I could teach you, but you have to charge!"

"Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!" This was torture for Rose.

"If you wanna be my lover, you got to get with my friends..."

"Okay, okay, I'll stop...I'm coming back." Rose came back over the railing, willing to do anything for this man to stop that...mental torture.

"Good," said Jack, who stopped dancing abruptly. And then he thought of something. "Say don't you think it's strange I'm singing the Spice Girls in 1912?"

"Yes," Rose agreed.

Suddenly, and officer, Cal, and Lovejoy walked over.

"Rose what happened?" said Cal. "We heard you screaming!"

"And I heard the Spice Girls!' exclaimed an excited Lovejoy, as he pulled out a T-shirt that said, I LUV Spice Grls 4 Lyf! "Where are they?"

And everyone stared blankly at Lovejoy, who suddenly turned a shade of red, realizing what he said.

"Now _that_ was strange." said Jack.

"Yeah," agreed Cal. "Anyway, Rose what happened?"

"Oh nothing," said Rose, trying to sound as calm as if nothing happened. "I just met a man, and he saved me! Say...what is your name?"

"Hmmm..."said Jack thoughtfully. Should he tell? "Well, my _real _name is FBI agent John B. "Smiley" Stevers. But my undercover name is Jack Dawson."

"Oh, we weren't listening what did you say again?" asked Rose.

He shrugged. They had their chance. "Jack Dawson."

Cal observed the young boy. He shook his head disdainfully. "Ick, he's probably steerage! He's p...p..po..poor!" said Cal, spitting the word "poor" out as if it had a bad taste.

Jack was indignant. "Look lady, that's not necessary!"

Cal only yawned. "Here's a five for saving my fiancee's life," he said as he threw it at him.

"Wow, a nickel," said Jack in a sarcastic tone. "I'm immensely rich now! Now I can a happy meal!"

"A happy what!" asked the disturbed Cal.

"Oh, hush!" said Rose. She turned to Jack. "Listen, come have dinner with us tomorrow night!"

Jack thought about it for a while. He had a choice: dine in luxury with a beauty and her arrogant fiancé ...or eat steerage crap...ah, to hell, if steerage threw better parties and the people of first class were snobs! He'll eat real food! He'll be smothered in luxury for one night! He could try to woo this little princess. He'll be stupid to refuse an offer like that!

"Sure, count me in," he said.

"Whatever, just ask us one question though," said Cal, who was still confused and disturbed.

"And that is..."

"What is a happy meal? Is that a sexual term?"


End file.
